On
Writing
11:22pm Feb 23rd
I read a lot, unlike most of the idiots that I'm told are my peers. Mine is a generation of little imagination, and even less time to sit down and read. I know many of you haven't read a book in your life, but if you're not a complete idiot, and you know of some of the writers and books I'm going to talk about, then you know how right I am. Literature is subject to the same pitfalls that the movie industry is subject to: untalented people get published, because they got lucky and got signed by an idiot agent. For every decent writer out there, there are ten hacks taking up space on the bookshelves.
James Patterson - I swear to god, James Patterson must stay up all night thinking up retarded ideas for books. I've never seen an author who is so consistent is his commitment to mediocrity and awkward prose.
Stephen King - King's writing is fine, but it's the maxim he uses when writing that gets to me. "Anything that can be written in one page, can be written in ten pages." A book that need only be 300 pages is dragged out to a thousand. See "IT".
Clive Cussler - Formulaic, pretentious, contrived, and totally enjoyable. If you like stories about easy women and utterly impossible adventures, anything by Clive Cussler is for you! The one character he's written about has found Genghis Khan, raised the Titanic, stopped the end of the world several times, battled Nazis, found Atlantis, and managed to do it all without aging or getting himself shot. There's suspending disbelief, and then there's pretending the impossible is possible.
Edward Lee - Holy shit. No word of a lie, the most twisted writer I've ever come across. Stephen King writes suspense type horror, but Edward Lee writes about flat out terror. I'm pretty sure he writes a book, then sits back and says "Hmmm... not nearly enough child rape and disembowelment. I wonder if anyone's ever been sodomized with a rolling pin? I'd better put that in." An incredible writer, with a severely twisted mind.
Margaret Atwood - There are no words I know of to effectively convey just how much I hate Margaret Atwood. That wrinkled out whore couldn't write her way out of a paper bag, and yet people fall all over themselves to give her awards. To call her writing wooden and convoluted is to do it a favour, because she takes the phrase "hack writer" to a whole new level. There are all manner of filthy names I could call her, but I'll stick to "failure". Here's to hoping she drops dead soon.
Lord of the Flies - Lord of the Flies is a terrible book. Like Shakespeare, people pretend to love it because they're supposed to. "Ohhh, but it's a classic!" Calling something a classic does not qualify it to be anything. you asshole. Sucks to your ass-mar!
Shakespeare - I'm sure in his day, Shakespeare was some sort of genius. However, that was 500 years ago, and Shakespeare has zero cultural relevance today. By forcing every asshole in highschool English to read Hamlet, you're creating an entire generation that hates Shakespeare, and rightfully so. The writing is awkward, and often indecipherable without a study guide. What good is that doing anyone? I have news for you; Shakespeare wasn't THAT good. There's no reason to still be reading his plays. Hell, there are many, many other playwrights that could forced down the throat of every asshole who couldn't give two shits about English to begin with. How about some Oscar Wilde? T.S Eliot? Anyone born within the last two hundred years!
Oh yeah, and you're all screwing up the "To be or not to be" soliloquy with your analysis. It's not a question of whether he should live or die; the question he's asking is which is more noble.
Dean Koontz - I honestly believe that Dean Koontz is misunderstood. Most people, having never read one of his books, think he's a Stephen King clone. Most people are idiots. The two authors have completely different writing styles, and are barely writing in the same genre. Dean Koontz is a perfectly apt writer, and does not need to emulate anyone to write successfully.
Tom Clancy - Tom Clancy wouldn't even cross my radar, if he hadn't whored his name out. Honestly, if he didn't let other people write books and put his name in big letters on the cover, I'd have nothing to say. Many, many of the books bearing his name were not written by him, and that's complete bullshit. The books he does write aren't that good, and he and his military jargon can go straight to hell, for all I care.
J.K. Rowling - J.K. Rowling is awesome. I'm not a fan of Harry Potter, but she knew exactly where the big money lay, when she set out to write a book. Writing for adults is a long, hard road to success. But writing for children, if you can pull it off, is a license to print money. She made a billion dollars, over the course of seven books! A THOUSAND MILLION DOLLARS! HOLY. SHIT. Good for her, for knowing who to sucker in, and having enough talent to bait them with.