Against the Flow

9:58 pm May 22nd 2008

I take great pleasure in going against the flow of pop culture and popular opinion. I'm socially awkward and stick out in a crowd, so why bother fighting it? I go against the flow on purpose, disturbing as much shit and creating as much ill-will as possible. It is with great pleasure, therefor, that I announce my support for a group who don't often get people fighting for them. Ladies and gentlemen, old people are awesome, and I fully endorse everything they do.

I'm going to explore and debunk some popular misconceptions about old people, and perhaps create some new misconceptions. I'm going to outline why it's awesome to be old, and why old people deserve to outlive you.

Old people are mentally deficient - Old people are about as far from mentally deficient as it's possible to get. They're so clever, that they've banded together and decided to add a bit of senility to the mix. This banding together and agreeing on part of an entire lifestyle is a prevalent theme throughout this expose. There are old people out there who have genuinely lost their minds, but there are also young people out there who are so stupid, that they have cognitive abilities rivalling Alzheimer's patients. At least old people can blame a disease.

So old people are not stupid. They've tricked us into thinking they are, so we'll leave them alone, and they can get away with murder. Grandma gave you a nickel for your birthday, because she thinks it's still 1936? Fuck that, she just doesn't want to give you any more than that. Old people are fiscally responsible, and fiscal responsibility starts with pinching every penny and not enabling leeching relatives. This leads into the next myth:

Old people are cheap - Old people are very cheap, because being cheap is awesome. Anybody who wants your money for nothing can go straight to hell; this is part of the Code of the Elderly. There are old people out there who never lived through the great depression; they're only cheap because it's a smart way to live.   Forced retirement mandates excruciatingly exact accounting practices. Fiscally irresponsible old people are stuck living with children and grandchildren who don't want them there, any more than they elderly want to be there. Nobody wins when an extended family cohabitates due to insufficient funds to pay for a nursing home.

Old people are slow - Old people are slow, because they feel like being slow. Nobody's going to push an old person out of the way for going slow; they're just going to huff and puff and roll their eyes and display other such passive-aggressive traits. Old people know you're a giant pussy, unwilling to make them speed up, and they play on this. Going slow is a great way to ruin somebody's morning, and improve your own.

Old people can't drive - Old people are the most awesome drivers out there. Anyone who complains about old people driving is jealous that they can't (literally) get away with murder. Wouldn't you like to send your car hurtling down the wrong side of the highway, get back on the highway and go 40 below the speed limit, leave your blinker on for 10 miles, and send your car through the window of a donut shop, all in one day? It's always chalked up to senility or poor eyesight or whatever else some bleeding heart liberal judge will believe. Old people know exactly what they're doing, and they're having a blast while they're doing it.

Old people smell - Old people piss and crap themselves for the simple reason that it's hilarious. Young people don't smell much better, you're just used to the scent of greed and incompetence washing off your peers like the scent of the homeless is carried on a warm wave of air in front of a subway train. You smell it so much, you get used to it, and you stop caring. That's a shame, because it's terrifying to think that my peers are going to reproduce and raise the citizens of tomorrow.   I will explore this topic further in a future article titled "Mandatory Sterilization Is an Awesome Idea".

That sums up the basics, as usual, of why you're wrong about a given topic. You people are always wrong, all the time, and I have to spend my nights writing about it or I'd lose my mind. It's like you took a page from the old people and hold meetings on what to be completely misinformed about for the coming week. It takes dedication and commitment that you show a complete lack of anywhere else, and I hate you all. I can't wait to be old, so I can do every single thing in the above list to your descendants.